Britney Spears's Instagram presence is the definition of chaotic good. Random paintings of flowers, "live-laugh-love"-adjacent quotes, multiple selfies with the same red background: It's all over the place, and I wouldn't have it any other way. She is the relatable queen of pop and must be protected at all costs.
But looking at her Instagram these days, in all its random glory, is a bit emotional. Given the current state of the world, I find myself longing for simpler times—like in November, when my biggest problem was deciphering why Spears was obsessed with this "cool" Halloween store that I'm pretty sure is just a Halloween Express. Or analyzing her reason for posting this clearly googled photo of ice cream.
And now I'm getting some of that energy back. For 15 straight minutes on April 29, I forgot all about quarantine and the coronavirus—because Britney Spears burned down her gym.
I don't mean that figuratively, by the way. Spears truly, actually, literally accidentally set flames to her home gym six months ago, and she's just now telling the world about it. (Before you worry: Yes, everything and everyone is fine.) Ever the giving, generous icon, she knew the world needed this kind of distraction right now. Something that would make us forget our very real problems and fantasize about a new world—a world where we all have the power to burn our home gyms to the ground and just say, "Whoops!"
That's the power Spears exudes in her Oscar-worthy video explaining the situation. She describes engulfing her gym in flames with the kind of casualness I use for tying my shoes or ordering pizza. "Hi, guys! I'm in my gym right now. I haven't been in here for, like, six months because I burned my gym down," she says. "I had two candles and…yeah, one thing led to another, and I burned it down."
That's it. That's all she says before showing followers her latest workout routine (a Spears Instagram staple). It's as if she said, "Wow, the weather's really nice today, huh?" So cool. So easy. So completely unfazed by the accidental arson.
Spears's Instagram caption describing the situation is just as breezy. "It was an accident," she wrote. "But yes …. I burnt it down ?. I walked past the door to the gym and flames ???? BOOM !!!!!! By the Grace of God the alarm ? went off after that and yippy hoorah nobody got hurt ??." The way she uses emoji and exclamation points to tell this story like it's a children's book about a friendly dolphin or family of puppies! God, I want to be her.
But sadly, I'm just a plebeian whose life would go up in metaphorical flames if I mistakenly set real flames to anything. That, my friends, is chaos I just can't afford.
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