CANCER has made me see the world more clearly.
It's helped me focus, and has given me a new perspective on what really matters – family, friends, living for today.
That's all on a spiritual, life lesson-kinda level.
This week, on a very literal level, cancer left me partially blind.
Yet another round of treatment, and yet another unexpected side effect. Right out of the blue, and one of the scariest ones yet.
This time it's a new run of drugs.
It's another chemical cocktail designed to try and keep my stage 4 bowel cancer at bay.
The last lot left me suffering hallucinations and horrific skin reactions, which I'd take any day for my cancer to stay stable.
I should've known this lot would be no different.
The trials show this treatment should come with very few side effects, but I appear to be the exception.
I seem to find the start of any new treatment tough going. I think my body just needs time to settle in and adjust.
After six weeks off treatment, it was time for more scans.
I still have cancer… but there's no new tumours
The results were OK, I still have cancer but the good news is it's not growing fast and I don't have any new tumours.
I'm a 'treatment for life' kinda gal, so I'm way beyond wishing I will ever get to ring that end of treatment bell. It's just not my reality, I don't get that fairy tale.
My story plays out like this… I try different treatments until we run out of options. That or I get a miracle.
I'm obviously the optimist, holding out for that miracle – research has given me options so far, ones that weren't around when I was diagnosed.
So, I've had my eye on a new, pioneering treatment for a while now – a trio of targeted drugs.
I fit the bill and for two years I've watched from afar, tracking their progress through clinical trials. And the results look good – good enough for me to want to try them.
My last set of drugs, my 4th line of treatment, hasn't stopped working, as such.
And I'm not at the stage where I have to pin my hopes on a clinical trial as a last shot.
But, the reality is this is my 5th line of treatment and after this we don't have another one waiting in the wings.
I could let the fear take hold, and some days I do.
But, I am holding on to this – in the two-and-a-half years since I was diagnosed scientists have discovered new and personalised drugs that seem to work against bowel cancer.
Like the rest of my life, this isn't straight forward.
Rare form
I have a rare(ish) type of bowel cancer, it's called a BRAF mutation.
It's known for being one of the most aggressive and fastest growing types, and has a poor prognosis. Depressing, right?!
But, in the last three years, researchers have been trialling a mix of targeted drugs to blast this mutation.
Known as the Beacon trial, it's been funded by Cancer Research UK and the results so far have been really positive.
Don't get me wrong, this is no cure.
Rather, it's the kind of miracle drug that gives people like me more time. More time with our husbands, kids, family and friends.
It gives people months extra, and frankly faced with my prognosis I will take extra weeks, even days.
Since the trials have shown promising results, the drugs are being fast-tracked to market.
It means they will likely become the first chemo-free treatment for bowel cancer in the UK.
We're now at the stage where oncologists can apply directly to the drugs company to use the medication.
It's not easy, but I'm so grateful to my incredible team at The Royal Marsden for fighting my corner.
This week I became one of the first people in the country to try this new treatment.
Alongside infusions of one of the drugs, every few weeks, I have to take the other two daily, in tablet form.
Rollercoaster of emotions
Starting yet another round of treatment is yet another rollercoaster of emotions – I'm hopeful, grateful and terrified all in one.
And no new round of treatment would be complete without me suffering three panic attacks, reactions to the infusion and crying. There was lots of crying.
But nothing prepared me for losing my eyesight.
Once again my body didn't disappoint, and I was floored by yet another new and scary side effect.
Truth be told, I was terrified. I couldn't really see.
My central vision disappeared, and my world went fuzzy, blurry and dark.
I'm crossing my fingers it's just another reaction, and so far that's what the experts think.
After a scary day or so, my eyesight has returned, but with the next dose the same thing happened – just for a shorter time, this time around.
It's left me shaken and worried about what will happen next.
My team are taking no chances, they asked lots of eye specialists and I've had a very detailed MOT, which I passed with flying colours.
Normally, when we have bad reactions to medication we just stop taking them.
I don't really have that choice, I need to be able to take this treatment. I want to take it, I am desperate to take it. It's my only hope and the alternative does not bear thinking about.
So now, I'm just praying that I can tolerate the chemical cocktail.
It's a game of medical discoveries and I am the experiment, working through it with my team.
It's important, my trying out this treatment will hopefully help others take the drugs safely in future, and it's giving me hope. Hope and options – all I have ever asked for.
And I'm praying it keeps my tumours at bay, because I've got much more living to do.
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