AS I perch on the edge of the chair, bottom in the air, I nervously await my first ever bum reading.

Inspired by the late, great Jackie Stallone — who pioneered the psychic art of rumpology — I’ve decided to have my buttocks read by Britain’s first (and only) rumpologist, Psychic Sam.

Jackie claimed bumology dates back thousands of years, and the practice involves examining the shape, lines and folds — much as a palm reader would — as well as the energy given off.

Psychic Sam, 63, says she developed her clairvoyant abilities around 2004 while working as a BT sales advisor, and has been reading rears for 16 years. Previous celebrity clients have included the Beckhams, Gemma Collins and Dermot O’Leary — who she says is as lovely as his bottom.
For £50, either in real life or via Zoom, Sam says she can fully assess your backside to reveal your future.

She requests clients wear high-cut undies — so for my reading I don a pair of bikini bottoms to give her a thorough gawp. Sticking to Covid guidelines for my in-person inspection, there is no touching but a lot of looking and “energy reading”. My bum hasn’t had this much attention since the belfie craze of 2014.

First off, Sam tells me I have a heart-shaped bum. “This means that you trust easily,” she reveals. I certainly do, considering I married someone after knowing them for only three months. “Your left cheek is the past, and the right is the future,” Sam adds.

'BAD AND WILD MEN'

She then goes on to tell me she can see I have learnt the hard way how to deal with life, making some big mistakes along the way. That is also true — I divorced the aforementioned person just five months later.

Luckily, my right cheek is saying the days of “bad and wild men” are over and I will meet the man of my dreams on December 18 this year. I question the specificness of the date but she assures me that, just like on the TV show Catchphrase, she simply says what she sees. Next, Sam says: “You recently found a watch. I’m also getting the name Paul.”

Right again — two weeks previously, my friend Paul helped me clear out my house and found a watch. I had no idea who it belonged to, and was planning to take it to the charity shop. “Your brother is here and he wants you to know that’s his watch,” Sam adds. My brother Martin died in 2018 and the shock prompts some uncontrollable sobbing.

“He wants you to know he’s around you, and that he visits his son every day,” she says. It feels comforting to believe for a moment that I could really be in contact with my brother, who I miss so dearly. Later in the reading, Sam correctly names my grandmother Elizabeth and also is fairly insistent that the family cat, who died when I was 20, has “come to see me”.

This emotional turn has almost made me forget I am not wearing any trousers — until Sam gently reminds me that our time is up, and I can put them back on.

I do not know for sure what abilities Sam has but she certainly could not have found out all those things about me just by searching Google — so she has definitely got something. Either that or those of us with heart-shaped bums are also rather gullible.

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