As every adult human knows, 75% of growing up consists of desensitizing your palette to adult foods like beer, pickles, and beans.
The other 25% consists of reading various articles on how to make yourself poop it all out.
Well, I’m here to put an end to our culture’s obsession with a food I’ve spent my entire life trying to enjoy: LOBSTER.
YUP.
Why? Well first of all, it’s called a “cockroach of the sea” because it literally looks like what would happen if I turned normal cockroaches into water-breathing creatures and filled them with white meat. Lobster = cockroach meat.
It looks objectively terrifying.
People want to eat this?!
The meat itself? Plain; boring; beach sweat incarnate.
There’s a reason it’s always doused in butter.
The texture is neither satisfyingly chewy, nor crispy, nor lush like a chunk of greasy pork belly might be.
It’s literally doing the least work possible to be considered meat.
There’s a reason why we always serve it with three or 45 other ingredients.
Honestly, when I watch people eat lobster with smiles on their faces I have a mini existential crisis.
Am I living in a parallel universe where lobster is disgusting?
The most infuriating part about lobster, the part that makes me dislike it the most, is that it costs like, four rotisserie chickens per serving.
Is this supposed to look enticing?
AND, when you’re preparing it yourself, you have to use a lobster cracker and a seafood pick to get a measly thumb-sized bite of meat out. It’s like being a gold miner, but the gold in this case is coal that you’ve been brainwashed to think is edible.
Why is there garbage on this plate?
I’d bet $1 million that whoever marketed lobster as the perfect fancy date night meal also handled PR for diamonds*.
*Another overrated adult item, IMO.
If, as a child, your parents convinced you that lobster was delicious, then I’m here to tell you that Santa also isn’t real.
Okay, maybe I’m being too harsh on lobster.
I think we can all agree lobster is good served one way: completely drenched with mayonnaise and salt, and sandwiched between two greasy buns.
New Englanders really know how to turn lemons into lemonade.
See you in the comments!
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