Most of us like to think we know our best friends inside out.
We can recount their long line of terrible exes, we’re clued-up on their love language, and know their favourite meals to prepare when they come over for dinner.
But there’s one area we all tend to fall short on: their jobs.
Now, we’re not talking about their professional title, or where they work, but their fundamental day-to-day and what on earth they actually do.
The amount of dinners and drinks we’ve had listening to our friends complain about annoying colleagues, toxic bosses and missed promotions – so why does none of the professional stuff sink it?
We hate to admit it, but we’re living out the classic Friends punchline. If – just like Monica and Rachel – we were quizzed on our friend’s job, we would also be left dumbfounded.
The truth is, most of us couldn’t tell you what our best friends do for work either – all because we simply don’t pay enough attention.
So, are we just terrible mates? And why are we so awful at engaging with what our friends do for work?
Experts have shed light on this common phenomenon.
We hate to admit it, but we are selfish
Psychologist Emma Kenny explains it all comes down to the fact we have ‘surface level’ interest – and this is because, as humans, we can be selfish creatures.
Emma says: ‘We have a surface level interest. Maybe we know the title (potentially) and we know the basic level of the role, but we don’t know any deeper than that.
‘One reason that makes us less interested in other people’s lives than our own, is that we are selfish creatures. It’s important for our own survival to protect ourselves and our own needs.
‘Therefore, when we have a priority list of things to do, we care about things that directly affect us – and our friend’s job does not.’
Ultimately, the harsh reality comes down to the fact that we are genuinely disinterested.
Emma says: ‘We all have our own vocational desires and passions, and often other people don’t reflect them.
‘So if your friend has a job, it’s very unlikely that you’re enamored or excited by that – so the idea of digging deeper into it is not something that interests you.
‘It’s not going to affect the way you live your life and, because of that, it doesn’t seem that important.’
We like to keep things separate
Emma points out another reason we don’t pay attention as much as we should is because we like to separate work and play.
She explains: ‘We see friendship and professional lives as very distinct things.
‘So when you have a close friendship, and it’s not to do with work life (e.g. it’s not a colleague), then keeping it separate is also a self-preservation method. It’s a way of keeping our relationships light and less dragged down by responsibilities and layers that professional life creates.
‘We like to cut to the things that have meaning. Our work is often full of stress, so we separate them in that context.’
Jealousy might play a role
Emma points out there might also be an element of jealousy and competition – so asking a friend about work might make us feel worse about our own situation.
She adds: ‘We might have issues around the fact they are more successful at what they do – or they might earn more money and that complicates relationships. Then we feel we have to aspire to more, or we have to hide some of our own world.’
How can we get better?
Being interested in other people’s lives is integral to healthy and successful relationships, explains Emma – so we should all try a little harder at least.
‘If we pay attention to someone’s work life, we pay attention to a part that probably takes up the most time in their lives,’ says psychosexual therapist James Eve, from Counseling Directory.
However, as relationships are reciprocal – and a friend is also probably just as disinterested in your job as you are in theirs – if the topic of work does arise, there’s probably another meaning behind it.
James adds: ‘A crisis at work or issue could have deeper connotations around self-worth, confidence, anxiety or insecurities… deeply human experiences.
‘Focusing on the meaning behind the content can help to be more present and engaged.’
Do you have a story to share?
Get in touch by emailing [email protected].
Source: Read Full Article