Dear Coleen
I’ve been with my partner for five years and I’d say we had a good relationship. We live together, but have no children.
I’ve been struggling recently as my mother passed away last month and while my boyfriend was really good during her illness and did whatever he could to help, he’s not been there for me much recently.
He didn’t make it to the funeral service because of an important work meeting, although he was there at the wake afterwards to support me.
At the time I was OK with it – he runs his own business and he had to be the one to lead this meeting, which couldn’t be rescheduled.
I know it was a dilemma for him and that he felt bad about it.
Now though I feel a bit resentful that he didn’t attend and also that he seems have moved on with everything while I’m still struggling.
It’s like he’s not acknowledging my pain and grief.
I feel angry with him, but haven’t said anything because I can’t judge whether I’m being fair or not.
Can I rely on him and am I overreacting to the situation? I’d love your guidance.
Coleen says
You’re in the midst of grief and I think in that situation it can be hard sometimes to know which way is up.
It’s very destabilising and it takes time to work through it. You’re going to feel everything very intensely at the moment.
I think you need to be a bit careful that you’re not getting what you feel about your mum’s death mixed up with what you feel for your partner.
It’s normal to feel anger that she became ill and she’s gone, and maybe it’s easier to direct this at your partner than face what you’re really angry about.
I’m sure he was torn about his decision to attend the funeral, and perhaps with hindsight, he’d do things differently now.
I think the important thing to do is talk to him about how you’re feeling.
It can be hard to know how to react to grief and some people shy away from it because they don’t know how to be.
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