I lost my brother to suicide here’s 13 signs you must never ignore and tips to help a loved one

BEN West was just an ordinary teenager until one catastrophic event changed his life forever.

Four years ago, his 15-year-old brother Sam took his own life, just five months after being diagnosed with depression.

In the wake of Sam's death, Ben, 22, from Staplehurst, Kent, and his family set up the Sam West Foundation, which works to support young people suffering with their mental health.

Ben, who won the Mental Health Hero award at The Sun’s Who Cares Wins awards in 2019, also set up a petition to make mental health first aid training compulsory for teachers.

And now he has written his first book, This Book Could Save Your Life: Breaking The Silence Around The Mental Health Emergency, out now.

In the book, touchingly dedicated to brother Sam, Ben shares his own personal story of dealing with the shock and grief of his brother’s death, along with practical advice for others and his call for change.

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After years of campaigning and offering help through social media, Ben felt he had reached his limit as to what he was able to convey through platforms like Instagram.

Chapters are devoted to how we can help ourselves and others.

Here Ben has shared some of his top tips on how you can help others if you think they are in need.

It's important that you think if someone is in imminent danger, that you always call 999.

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HOW TO HELP

The NHS says that there are 13 signs you need to look out for, which could indicate your loved one is depressed and needs help accessing mental health services.

These include both physical and emotional signs that someone is struggling.

These are:

1. moving or speaking more slowly than usual 
2. changes in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased) 
3. constipation 
4. unexplained aches and pains
5. lack of energy
6. low sex drive
7. changes to your menstrual cycle
8. disturbed sleep – for example, finding it difficult to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning
9. low mood
10. not wanting to do things you enjoy
11. being irritable
12. withdrawing from others
13. having suicidal thoughts

YOU’RE NOT ALONE

EVERY 90 minutes in the UK a life is lost to suicide

It doesn't discriminate, touching the lives of people in every corner of society – from the homeless and unemployed to builders and doctors, reality stars and footballers.

It's the biggest killer of people under the age of 35, more deadly than cancer and car crashes.

And men are three times more likely to take their own life than women.

Yet it's rarely spoken of, a taboo that threatens to continue its deadly rampage unless we all stop and take notice, now.

That is why The Sun launched the You're Not Alone campaign.

The aim is that by sharing practical advice, raising awareness and breaking down the barriers people face when talking about their mental health, we can all do our bit to help save lives.

Let's all vow to ask for help when we need it, and listen out for others… You're Not Alone.

If you, or anyone you know, needs help dealing with mental health problems, the following organisations provide support:

• CALM, www.thecalmzone.net, 0800 585 858
• Heads Together,www.headstogether.org.uk
• HUMEN www.wearehumen.org
• Mind, www.mind.org.uk, 0300 123 3393
• Papyrus, www.papyrus-uk.org, 0800 068 41 41
• Samaritans,www.samaritans.org, 116 123
• Movember www.uk.movember.com/

LEARN TO LISTEN

People won’t talk if there’s no one willing to hear them. And, while everyone acknowledges how important it is to open up, far fewer people understand the power of giving their time to simply listen.

If you suspect someone is struggling then assume you’re the only one who does. 

Reach out, send a text, call them, invite them for coffee, ask them how they are, give them the space to talk. I know in practice it’s so much easier said than done. F**k – look at my story. I knew Sam was struggling and never asked him about it. Why? 

There are loads of reasons:

1. It’s natural to assume that things are actually ‘not that bad’
2. No one wants to focus on the worst-case scenario so will default to the best case
3. We all have our own s**t to deal with
4. We’re scared of things we don’t understand
5. It’s easier to think someone else will handle it – and they’ll handle it better than we will
6. It strikes a painful chord within our own lives that we don’t want to acknowledge.
7. The conversation is daunting as hell. I mean, it’s not going to be a laugh-riot, is it?

My advice? Act now and think later. Sending a text can be a great way of starting that conversation. 

Here are some example messages to send to someone you’re worried about: 

1. ‘Hey mate, have noticed you don’t seem yourself at the moment. Do you want to talk about anything?’ 
2. ‘Roses are red, feeling sad sucks, just want you to know, that I give a f**k. Lol that sounded better in my head, but seriously, I’m here if you need to chat.’ 
3. ‘Just wanted to say, I have *[whatever they’re going through]* and so I know how tough it is. Hope you’re doing okay.’ 
4. ‘Totally okay if you don’t want to respond, I won’t take it personally, but I’m here if you ever want to process some stuff.’ 
5. ‘Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you. If you ever need someone to swing by, I’d love to.’ 

MESSAGES TO SEND TO SOMEONE EXPERIENCING LOSS 

Here’s a text I’d send to 17-year-old me: ‘Hey mate, I heard about what happened. I’m so sorry, that must be awful for you. Genuinely, if you ever need someone to go for a walk with, to talk to or to make you a tea (I’ll try and make it better than last time lol) then I would absolutely love to and all you need to do is let me know. We’re all here for you. Sending lots of love x’ 

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Remember: 

1. Don’t overthink it. Better to send something than nothing at all. 
2. Ask yourself, what would I like to read or see? 
3. Don’t be scared to be funny. If they’d enjoy a meme, send a meme. 
4. Don’t expect a response. This isn’t about you, it’s about them. Don’t take silence personally. 
5. Send a follow-up message in a week or month. 
6. If you’re worried about them, tell them about SHOUT, a UK text-based support service, that they can message on 85258 for free.

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