I’m lying on a pool floatie, holding a frozen daiquiri.
To the innocent observer, I am simply enjoying my holiday, except that I’m stark naked and, a few feet away, a woman is getting oral sex in a hot tub from another woman while their husbands watch.
And that’s one of the tamer things I’ve seen over the past few days.
I’m at Hedonism II, a nudist swingers resort in Jamaica and I recognise one half of this foursome.
The other night, my friend David* and I were quizzing them about their relationship over dinner. They were both in their mid-50s and the man wore a thick black ring on his finger, signifying that he’s a swinger. Having met after their respective marriages ended, the couple are now exploring sex together.
And judging by the sounds from the hot tub, they had a great time.
The other night, we also met Cheryl* and Christian* from Minnesota. High school sweethearts, they are now in their 30s, married with two young kids. Except Cheryl also has a boyfriend; the duo decided to try polyamory a few years ago and are one of the most popular couples here.
But I’m getting ahead of myself: first thing’s first, let’s talk about how ‘Hedo’ works.
There are two areas; the nude side (you must be naked when outside your room) and the ‘prude’ side (clothing optional).
You can have sex wherever, whenever, except for the dining areas for health and safety reasons. Fair enough, no one wants to accidentally burn their genitals on a buffet hot plate or pick pubes out of the salad.
There’s a theme every night and dress-up is encouraged.
Some people took this very seriously, like long-time visitor Betty*, who is in her 70s and wears just nipple tassles, knickers, knee-high boots and a hat or elaborate feather ensemble in her hair. Her loving husband George* created her looks every night; they even brought a glue gun along. I loved them.
At dinner, there was an erotic show with a group of ridiculously attractive in-house dancers responsible for getting people excited (read: horny) and this is where you suss out who you might want to play with later (not the dancers, they’re off-limits).
Surprisingly, it’s quite a cliquey environment. Many people form groups for the whole week or are regulars who have been shagging each other for years.
David and I felt a little out of place at first but eventually found our own crowd, ‘the 30-somethings’, who were very friendly and invited us to dinner.
Since we were two of only four Brits at the resort (though I’m technically Swedish) many people seemed to have heard about our presence, which felt slightly odd. Yes, Americans really do love a British accent.
Frankly I’ve received more persistent looks and unwanted lewd comments while fully dressed on the Tube
Our group was a hot commodity; not counting Young Swingers Week, which happens a few times a year, most guests are aged between 40-70 years old.
I’d heard about Hedo from friends and colleagues.
As a journalist, especially one who specialises in sex and relationships, I’m a naturally curious person but I knew I didn’t want to go alone. David was roped in by the idea of Caribbean sunshine. We’ve been friends for the better part of a decade and I knew I’d be safe and comfortable bringing him along.
However, despite having reviewed sex clubs and erotic events in the past, I had never fully immersed myself in the experience until now, so this felt different and all the more exciting because of it.
The best part about being in a closed-off resort with unlimited alcohol is that anything can happen.
One evening, I sang to a crowd while standing atop a piano, wearing just knee-high socks (school night theme). I was fairly tipsy by that point so the nerves were pretty non-existent.
Being applauded by 50 people while naked is the sexiest I’ve felt in my life.
Another night, I visited the coveted playroom, where guests can use items such as the sex swing, as well as enjoy two pools and a huge open-air bed that could easily fit 10-15 people. I’m not just saying that; I spot multiple orgies throughout the week.
Clothes are not allowed in the playroom but you’re welcome to bring toys and there’s an on-site shop that sells kinky attire and goods, should you accidentally forget to pack a vibrator.
This building is for sex only. I was told off by a staff member when I tried to have a chat with a man instead of getting frisky – he was single and travelling solo. We were promptly instructed to get down to it or leave. We chose the latter (I’ll have sex when I’m good and ready, thank you very much).
During the day, David and I watched the pool games but decided to forego the ‘human car wash’ as 80 people, young and old, lined up in their birthday suits to grind soap over each other.
Meanwhile, a woman casually gave a man oral sex by the pool bar, while another pair decided to have a quickie through their window to the cheerful applause of those tanning on sun loungers below.
Top tip given to us by one of the swingers: don’t stick your head underwater in the nude pool at peak time unless you want to risk getting an eye infection. David opted for ocean dips only for days afterwards.
There were bodies of every shape and size, proudly showing off rolls, cellulite, saggy skin, scars and fake breasts. They couldn’t care less and that’s part of what makes this place so special – everyone is welcome.
As for the burning question (I know you want to ask): yes, I did have sex
To me, this is one of the biggest takeaways from my holiday. Spending a week in the buff is a pretty baffling experience. I’m comfortable in my own skin but was still nervous when I first walked over to the nude side.
I got appreciative glances, which was a nice confidence boost, but it wasn’t inappropriate staring, people were just curious. A few hours later, being naked felt natural because we were all in it together.
Frankly I’ve received more persistent looks and unwanted lewd comments while fully dressed on the Tube.
Overall, I enjoyed the 24/7 nudity but it can also be exhausting – or it was for me, anyway. I began to feel like I wanted a sense of privacy, of having my body just to myself, of not being exposed, both literally and figuratively.
By day four, David and I decided to leave the grounds for a bit of normalcy.
That’s apparently quite an unusual decision; most of the regular guests told us they had never explored the island, which is a pity – it’s a beautiful country.
Hedonism is famous here; everyone we talked to had heard rumours about what goes on (or has a family member or friend who works there).
I browsed some shops and got the best jerk chicken I’ve ever had from a shack by the side of the road. We headed back to the resort, where a few hours later, a couple – doctors from New York City – asked if we wanted some acid. We said no to the drugs but accepted the invitation to dine with them and their friends, including Alice* and Mike*.
They had been dating for years but unlike Cheryl and Christian – who only swing if both of them are having sex – have a different rule called a ‘hall pass’. Put simply, Alice and Mike can do whatever they want without the other person being present and without clearing it first.
David and I are purely platonic and while taking your mate to a sexual buffet might seem a tad unorthodox, it has its benefits.
We did a lot of ‘normal’ (but naked) vacation stuff; like kayaking, snorkeling and drunkenly dancing under the stars. We’re best friends so the nudity between us wasn’t awkward in the slightest.
I also appreciated having a confidante to gossip with, without any pressure or sexual tension.
Novice swingers might be surprised to learn that a swingers resort isn’t just about sex. It’s actually all quite standard holidaying, like a NSFW version of an all-inclusive trip to Benidorm, but with mostly Americans.
Many people wrongly believe that the lifestyle is a free-for-all when, in reality, most swingers have boundaries in place before attending an event. One couple I talked to were just there to watch and that was enough for them. Your experience is your own.
There is only one rule that applies at all times: the importance of consent.
As for the burning question (I know you want to ask): yes, I did have sex.
I have no regrets and I have learned a lot about myself. For instance, while I love hearing about and exploring other lifestyles, I prefer monogamy in my own sex and dating life. For now, anyway.
That being said, I’m in awe of the people I talked to, who happily shared their stories with me.
They were unapologetically themselves, refusing to bow to society’s standards of what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to love, sex and companionship. And there’s no slut shaming, which is a breath of fresh air.
I remember sitting in a bar chatting to a group of people, while on a day bed next to us, a couple enjoyed a morning shag and nobody cared in the slightest. ‘Each to their own’ has never rung truer.
With or without the sex, Hedonism is an experience I’d recommend to anyone. Just make sure to bring earplugs if you’re a light sleeper.
* Names have been changed
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