Picture this: You’re deep in a crush when a friend confides to you that they also have feelings for someone. That’s great, except it turns out the object of both of your desires is the same person. That’s right, you and your friend like the same person and now things are very awkward. If this sounds painfully familiar, at least you can take solace in knowing you’re far from being alone in this situation. In fact, as life coach Nina Rubin tells Elite Daily, it shouldn’t be all that surprising that two people who have enough in common to be friends would also share similar tastes in romantic partners. "You and your friend may have similar tastes and find certain traits attractive. After all, there’s a reason you and your friend are attracted to each other (as friends), so it can be fitting when a new person shows up and catches your eye," she explains. But don’t panic: By simply knowing this situation could crop up in your future, you’ve taken the first step to understanding how to handle it when (and if) it does. Here’s what the experts say to to do if you and your friend like the same person.
Get Ahead Of The Issue If You Can.
If both you and your friend are single, and there’s a chance that this issue is going to pop up down the road, then Susan Winter, NYC relationship expert, love coach, and author of Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartache, tells Elite Daily it’s a good idea to have a joint game plan in place. “Things like this should be hammered out in the beginning of a friendship, especially if you’re both single and go out together or hang out in the same social circle," she says. "Someone is bound to be intriguing to both of you. So, revert to your understanding of the rules you’ve put in place. No one temporary interest is worth ruining a deep friendship over. Lovers come and go. The right ones will stay,”
What To Do If You’re Both Already Attracted To The Same Person.
While getting ahead of the issue is ideal, these kinds of situations can sometimes catch you off guard. In that case, Rubin suggests being open and honest with your friend about what you’re feeling. “Talk to your friend first and foremost. Don’t wait, hide, or see what’s going to happen. Be direct with your friend,” she suggests. Once you’ve opened up the conversation, you can then decide how best to proceed.
Winter says you have a couple options for how to move forward, and which path you choose will depend on how each of you actually feels about your shared crush. “[You can] back off if it’s a great friend and you’re so-so about the object of interest. Let your close friend have a chance to chat them up,” says Winter. Or, if your feelings for the person are strong, you can make that case to your friend in hopes that they’ll give you room to follow your feelings. “State a logical case for your advantage in this selection process. Perhaps your friend will ‘give’ when he or she hears your determination and reasoning,” says Winter.
It ultimately comes down to a question of your priorities, the experts say. “You quickly learn what’s of greater importance, your friendship, or having a partner,” says Winter. If it’s the latter, she suggests trying to keep your romantic pursuits and your friendships with people who’re attracted to the same types of potential partners as separate as possible. Nights where you’re out looking to meet with someone, she says, should be with friends where “your choice of ‘type’ is not in conflict.”
Conversely, if a situation where you and your friend like the same person makes you realize the crush isn’t what’s most important to you, then putting your friendship first is your best bet, says Rubin. “If you prioritize friendship, a date or an attraction to a new person would not be worth losing a friend. Also, if your friend and the new person click, be glad and gracious for them. Finding real love is rare,” she says.
At the end of the day, how you choose to handle your shared crush is up to you. It can be a really awkward situation, but at least now you know it doesn’t have to be a friendship ending one. Whew!
Experts cited:
Susan Winter, NYC relationship expert, love coach, and author of Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartache
Nina Rubin, life coach
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