DEAR DEIDRE: JUST as my ex-girlfriend and I were about to start a no-contact agreement, she was diagnosed with cancer lymphoma.
I felt I couldn’t abandon her when she was so sick, but it’s left me feeling very confused.
I’m 32 and she’s 29.
We were together for five years after meeting through friends. But the relationship ran into difficulties, mainly because I wanted to get married and she didn’t – and we decided to end it.
We still loved each other though, and couldn’t break the habit of talking every day, which often led to us ending up in bed.
So we agreed that we should have no contact for three months, to give ourselves time to move on.
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Then she received the shock news that she had cancer. Obviously, I said I’d be there for her.
I don’t know how long it will be before she’s better. She’s having chemo, which is gruelling. We still talk every day, and I think she relies on me.
I know it’s selfish, but I now feel I’m in limbo.
I want to be her boyfriend, but she doesn’t want that.
It’s so confusing because we are still close without being an item, yet I don’t feel I can start dating anyone else either. What can I do?
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DEIDRE SAYS: You’re not selfish. This is a very difficult situation.
Of course you still care and want to be there for her. But you’ve agreed your relationship is over – even if it doesn’t feel that way.
You can support her, as a friend, without being her boyfriend.
Perhaps you need to have a talk and explain how you’re feeling.
Tell her how you feel and that if she doesn’t want to be an item, you’d like to start dating other women again.
It may be that you’re not ready, but you can dip your toe into the waters.
My support pack, Has Someone Close To You Had Cancer Diagnosed?, has useful information and sources of help.
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