DEAR DEIDRE: I AM having passionate sex with a guy I feel for and who feels for me – but he’s committed to having an arranged marriage.
I am a 39-year-old single mum with a 19-year-old daughter. I have become really good friends with this guy, whose job is next door to where I work.
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We started talking one day a couple of years ago after meeting in the coffee shop in the same street.
He is only 30 and is really good-looking, with the most gorgeous brown eyes. His family come from Pakistan.
He is probably the nicest person I know and we have always got on as friends. After a while, we took it a step further and started going out occasionally, just enjoying one another’s company at first.
He told me right at the start that in a few years’ time he will have to have an arranged marriage. It’s what his culture expects.
I wasn’t too worried back then. I never for one minute thought we would be lovers too.
There was no sex involved to begin with but things became more serious about a year ago and we are now in a full-on relationship.
The sex is the best I’ve ever had but we are so loving together too. He is the most caring man I’ve ever known.
We are becoming closer and closer and at the start of the year we shared our first holiday together, which was bliss.
We went to Morocco and he was great at explaining the culture to me. But I now wonder how I will cope when the time comes for him to meet his future wife.
If I bring up the subject so we can discuss it, it normally ends up with me getting upset.
He has said he will always have me in his life but that when he does meet his future wife, I cannot be his number-one priority.
I just don’t know how to deal with this situation.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Please take in what he is telling you. He has made his decision. His culture and his family’s views matter more to him than your feelings.
He has said he will put his future wife first and probably then start a family, which will occupy even more of his time and leave you out in the cold.
I know he said you will always be in his life but you are worth so much more than living your life around him, being free to see each other for occasional sex – his bit on the side. Accept that he is never going to be yours and move on.
This will be hard, of course, and you will be heartbroken for a while. But it will leave you free to find someone else to love and share your life with who can give you 100 per cent.
Tell your lover you won’t see him again. I know that will feel so hard right now but you will be ready for a new relationship in a while.
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