‘It’s so good to be talking about happiness again with you,’ laughs Dr Robert Holden.
I can’t believe he remembers I interviewed him over 25 years ago, when he was billed as one of the first UK ‘happiness gurus’.
An expert psychologist, Robert has dedicated three decades to learning the core principles of positive psychology, publishing 10 successful best-selling books, and he’s had stratospheric success since I spoke to him about founding the first NHS stress buster clinic in the ‘90s.
His innovative work on psychology and spirituality has been featured on ‘Oprah’, there’s been a PBS Special called Shift Happens!, and two major BBC-TV documentaries, ‘The Happiness Formula’ and ‘How To Be Happy’, shown in 16 countries to more than 30 million television viewers.
Today, we’re talking about his new book, Higher Purpose: How to Find More Inspiration, Meaning, and Purpose in Your Life (Hay House, £12.99).
‘On my radio show, it’s the one subject that would make the phones light up. Everyone always wanted to know how to find their purpose,’ he says.
Here Robert talks to Metro.co.uk about how to live a purposed, centred life.
What’s the connection between finding your purpose and happiness?
There is a very strong relationship between happiness and what I call living a purpose centred life.
The pursuit of happiness is considered a number one goal amongst psychologists across all cultures everywhere. But what truly makes us happy? Loving relationships and a sense of belonging, but right next to that is living a purpose centred life.
What is a purpose centred life?
It’s creating a life where we believe what we do matters, that we feel we’re making a contribution to life, that we’re being of service.
How do you find your purpose?
I’ve identified four paths to finding your purpose.
Inspiration is one. When we are inspired by something and it lights us up. For example, you might see a play and decide that you want to be an actor. When we’re inspired, we want to participate in the very thing that’s inspired us.
A second path is an act of service. You might recognise that you want to enter the nursing profession, for instance. Or work in a healing profession, because we want to serve, and we want to make a contribution that way.
The pursuit of happiness is considered a number one goal amongst psychologists across all cultures everywhere.
The other way we can find our purpose is through some trauma and the healing from that trauma may wake us up and become a gateway towards living a more purposeful life. For example, you may recover from addiction and want to help others on the road to recovery too.
Finally, there’s also what I call a ‘purpose anxiety’ which is a sense of disillusionment with our lives. When you think – really? Is this it?
How do we start living a purpose centred life?
There is a certain act of faith in living a purpose centred life. You’re called by an inner voice. To everyone else, it’s going to often look irrational and risky. A little bit like the Indiana Jones movie, where he’s standing on the edge of the cliff, and he takes the step into thin air only to discover there was already a bridge there.
Your purpose doesn’t necessarily show you the path, you’ve got to take a step and the path appears.
I would advise to call upon the support of your friends, find a mentor and start with baby steps. What I’ve found is that when you start to follow your purpose, support does appear.
How do you drill down and define what your purpose is?
Rather than trying to define your purpose, try to recognise when you feel most on purpose.
I created a checklist. Firstly, notice when you feel really alive. It’s undeniable when your pulse is racing, and your heart is beating, and you feel it in your bones. You don’t care what it looks like to anybody else.
Often when we’re not living our purpose, when we feel we’re just stuck in a job we dislike, we might not feel so alive. You might feel exhausted, tired and drained. This sense of aliveness is one of the most honest forms of feedback that your system will give you.
When you’re living on purpose, yes, it might be really hard, you might be putting in all sorts of hours, and you may still get tired but fundamentally, there’s this sense of aliveness that takes you forward.
What are other symptoms of knowing that you’re living a purposeful life?
A deep sense of joy. I would advise you to give up the search for happiness and start following your joy. That is a radical shift.
When you’re searching for happiness, you are fundamentally looking for something outside of yourself, something that’s not here, probably something in the future.
Try this exercise. Imagine you’re spending the rest of your life searching for happiness. And notice how alive you feel. Notice how you feel in your body and what thoughts come to mind. And then let’s spend another minute imagining you’re going to spend the rest of your life following your joy. Most of us can feel the world of difference between those two states.
I would advise you to give up the search for happiness and start following your joy.
What else will help us lead a purposeful life?
Do what you love and allow yourself to do it just because you love doing it. Let yourself garden or get an allotment, play the guitar, write, volunteer, whatever lights you up.
The point of this exercise is point is to recognise when you feel most on purpose which is a far healthier approach than trying to define your purpose. Ignore the voice saying, ‘How will this help my career?’
Creating a purpose filled life is bigger than building a successful career.
If you’re feeling disillusioned and flat, how do you start to find a spark again?
Look around. Is there a conversation happening in the world that you want to be a part of? Is it a conversation to do with more women in leadership? Is it a conversation to do with how can we rewild nature again? What is the conversation that lights you up? Maybe it is a conversation that angers you, maybe it is a conversation that fires you up?
Find the conversation that you want to be part of. You don’t have to invent a purpose all by yourself. Your purpose may be happening in the world already. And it’s about joining with it.
What do you do when you start to go down a path and then you have doubts that it’s the right one?
Welcome your doubts. It’s healthy to question your purpose and find someone to talk to about it. Don’t bottle it up. Seek support and inspiration from others.
With the current economic conditions, it could feel like a luxury to follow your purpose. How do you follow your purpose when finances are an issue?
Our real purpose isn’t about what we do. It’s about who we are. And for that reason, I would say that, technically, it doesn’t cost a penny to live your purpose. For example, it doesn’t cost money to show up as a loving person or offer acts of kindness or be present to somebody. Purpose is about being the person you most want to be in the world. Start there. And having no money can make you more creative about the way you do things.
I did a lot of work with The Body Shop in the early days and I remember Anita Roddick saying it was because they had no money, that they recycled their bottles at the start. You’ve got to challenge the idea that you need money to live your purpose. Consider the possibility that living your purpose doesn’t have to cost money. But that doesn’t mean you have to rule out the possibility that living your purpose will help you have an income.
One of the ways I know that I’m doing something ‘on purpose’ is to ask: would I be willing to do this for no money at all? And if the answer is yes, it’s one of the ways I know I am living my purpose.
But many people feel that if they are doing something they love, it’s actually too much to ask that they should get well paid for it as well. This is rather like a hangover from the work ethic which says that work is meant to be implicitly hard, difficult and not enjoyable in order to be paid for it. Be open to the possibility that by following your purpose, you will get paid for it. It’s not about sacrifice. But it definitely not about focusing on the money.
Living a purpose filled life is giving expression to the real you, being authentic to how you feel. When you’re living a life on purpose, focusing on joy and inspiration, you will have a positive effect on others too.
I was lucky enough to interview Maya Angelou on three occasions. She famously said, ‘People will forget what you said, even what you did, but they’ll never forget how you made them feel.’
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