If you’re anything like us, you’ve basically become one with your Oodie or dressing gown over the last few months.
From thermal underwear to fluffy pyjamas, cosy clothing has been a saviour during this recent cold snap. What these items don’t offer, though, is the chance to feel in any way like a sexual being.
Wrapped up like the Michelin Man in swathes of fleecy fabric, your body image can be affected; as we’re conditioned to believe sexiness equals revealing clothing, it’s understandable for your confidence to drop when everything’s covered.
Then there’s the touch factor: where you may have communicated with your partner through a brush of the hand or a soothing massage, bulky layers don’t allow for skin-on-skin contact.
As a result, it can be a struggle to tap into the sexual side of yourself. You might find you initiate sex less, or avoid it altogether in favour of remaining in your comfies. You might even forgo masturbation due to not being in the mood.
However, if your desire takes a dive, you don’t have to have a winter-long dry spell. It’s all about reframing the idea of sexiness in your mind.
Vasia Toxavidi, BACP Therapist and part of The Couples Collective, says that ‘sexy can be whatever you’d like it to be – it’s a feeling.’
She tells Metro.co.uk: ‘Actually, if you think about it, wearing bulky layers around the house to keep warm is who you truly are at that point in time. An effortless version of yourself – why shouldn’t that be sexy?
‘Consider what sexy means to you. If what you wear impacts how you feel, try to reflect on why this is and change this perception. It’s okay to wear bulky clothes and feel good about yourself. It’s about who is beneath the clothes that matters.’
That may seem easier said than done, but focusing on what you like about yourself (and not just stereotypically ‘sexy’ body parts) takes headspace away from self-doubt. Perhaps you love your seductive laugh, are proud of how you support your partner, or treat your hair like your crowning glory – whatever works for you.
During the cost of living crisis, there may be a number of facets of your relationship under strain. In fact, almost 70% of couples fear their relationship won’t survive the downturn.
Vasia recommends trying to ‘see this situation as a new adventure to embark on with your partner and work through it as a team to make your relationship stronger.’
‘Speak to your partner openly and honestly about what is going on for you and see if they feel the same,’ she adds.
‘Discuss what you could both do to improve your sex life under these circumstances and reach a common ground or agreement that you are both happy with.’
Try to avoid accusations or ‘you’ statements like ‘you don’t compliment me enough’. Reigniting the spark is a shared effort, and placing the blame on one party can put them in defensive mode.
‘A lot of couples struggle to talk about sex and intimacy compared to other issues,’ says Vasia.
‘This is because for some there are feelings of shame and embarrassment around the subject, but a lack of communication can make issues worse.’
Communication and curiosity about your partner are two of the cornerstones of BACP’s Couples Collective advice booklet, and compassion goes a long way towards reestablishing intimacy too.
If your partner tells you they don’t feel sexy, work with them to bring that feeling back.
Vasia says: ‘See if there are ways you could work around this. Are there bulkly clothes they could wear which still make them feel sexy? Could they do their make up and hair so they feel sexier?’
Creating a warm and welcoming atmosphere where your partner can relax may also be useful. Use a small fan heater in the bedroom, raise temperatures with an electric blanket, or just tell them you don’t mind if they leave their slipper socks on while you’re getting down.
To level up your connection even more – and make it through the cost of living crisis still together – Vasia advises talking about your fantasies openly and imagining what you’d do if it wasn’t so chilly. You can also make this into a game.
‘Everything is a matter of perception, and the power of the mind is amazing,’ she says. ‘If you really imagine what you’d like to be doing, it will allow you to feel more closely connected, sexually and emotionally. Not to mention, potentially also helping with feeling the cold!’
There’s scientific backing to this. A recent study found that women who feel desired are less likely to feel the cold when wearing less clothing, and research by the University of Groningen revealed that keeping socks on during sex raises the probability of reaching orgasm from 50% to 80%.
Essentially, keeping warm makes it even easier to heat things up in your sex life – as long as you’re both openly sharing what you want and need.
‘Talk to each other and see what you could do to make sex more comfortable for you both right now,’ adds Vasia. ‘Take the time to really explore what you both like and what you would like to do.’
If you approach a sexual slump as a united front, you may start spring even closer than before.
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