A few years back, an acquaintance wrote some nasty comments about me online. As a writer, I am used to dealing with criticism and negative feedback, but this was different. This person had accused me of something I hadn't done. It distressed me then, and now, years later, I still burn with the injustice of it all.
Most of us have been blamed occasionally for things we haven't done, whether it is eating the last of the chocolate cake, or flirting with someone outside our relationship. But why is it so distressing to be accused? And how can we move forward when it happens?
Being blamed for something we haven’t done can offer an opportunity for us to scrutinise our own behaviour and morality.Credit:iStock
On her blog, journalist Amanda Knox writes, “When you’re accused of a horrific act you didn’t do, you inevitably experience shock, disorientation, confusion … There’s pressure that squeezes your temples and tingles on the edges of your eyeballs, making it hard to concentrate."
Knox was falsely charged with the murder of her flatmate, and spent four years in an Italian prison. Few of us will experience that level of victimisation. But those same feelings can flood you when you’re blamed for a far more minor infraction – the same sense of shock and confusion, of frustration and anger.
According to psychologist Andrew Fuller, “the affront that occurs with being wrongly accused is born out of shame. And shame is one of the most toxic things we experience, so we defend strongly against it.”
But why do we feel shame when we’re not actually guilty? And why do we even care what other people think?
“Quite often we frame our identity through the eyes of others,” Fuller tells me. “We’re always looking for that level of affirmation. So when we are falsely accused of a slip in integrity it raises the question of whether we are as authentic as we thought we were.”
Dr Matthew Beard, of The Ethics Centre, explains that humans rely on other people, and the ability of other people to give us what we need depends on them seeing us as part of the same moral community.
“Miranda Fricker coined the term ‘testimonial injustice’,” he says, “which is the injustice that is done to someone when we don’t believe their testimonies. We all want to be seen as vehicles of truth, and it is very disempowering when our words and testimonies fail us.”
This is why gaslighting is so destructive, and helps explain why being disbelieved (for example, when making an allegation of sexual assault) is so deeply distressing.
Being blamed for something we haven’t done can offer an opportunity for us to scrutinise our own behaviour and morality.
“There are two potential reasons that we can be falsely accused,” says Fuller. “One is that it was completely by chance. The other is that a part of ourselves we didn’t intend to express has been expressed. We all have a shadow side to ourselves, which is the side to us we don’t find particularly appealing, so it is important to examine whether we unwittingly did what we have been accused of doing."
It is important to examine whether we unwittingly did what we have been accused of doing.
If we scrutinise ourselves, and decide we are innocent of all charges, there still remains the difficulty of defending ourselves. Trying to clear our own name can, paradoxically, make us sound even more guilty; just think of the lady who "doth protest too much". So how can we move forward when we are not believed?
“You need to reclaim your sense of empowerment and dignity when you have been disempowered by testimonial injustice,” says Dr Beard. “There are many different moral pathways, such as anger or forgiveness. But you need to accept that you have lost something irretrievable, your reputation, and your next choice won’t necessarily bring back what you’ve lost.”
I'm still annoyed about what happened all those years ago. I still wish I could clear my name. But we've all experienced injustice at some time in our lives. Perhaps forgiveness really is the only way forward.
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