There’s nothing like the topic of money to spark a heated debate – or straight up argument.
And, when two people’s hard earned money is going into a joint account, they have to be able to trust each other to spend it wisely.
One mum has shared her horror after coming home from a work trip to find her husband had lied about getting a new car, how much it cost and how much money he got on a loan – despite their money struggles.
Sharing her story on Mumnset, she wrote: ‘My husband seems to think that this is perfectly reasonable behaviour and I should actually be delighted.
‘For context, we have been really struggling with money for a number of years.
‘We had an old banger to get around in, and it was due it’s MOT and supposedly booked in for it on a Monday a few weeks ago. I went away for a week working on the Friday before this.
‘When I returned I was surprised (to say the least) to find this lovely plush car picking me up.
‘My first question was “where did this come from?“ to which he replied really sarcastically “a garage”.
‘I then asked where he’d found the money to pay for it, and he said a loan. He was obviously getting really angry so I didn’t ask any more initially.
‘When he was calmer he told me that our car had failed it’s MOT, and that he’d borrowed the money for this new car from some friends.
‘He told me how much the car was, but refused point blank to tell me how much he’d borrowed.
‘Apparently it wasn’t like that in his family growing up – his dad would just buy a new car and his mum would just say ‘oh that’s lovely dear’. Because of this he’s unable to tell me about big financial decisions.
‘Anyway a little while later, I discovered that not only that the car was more than he’d said, but also that he’d borrowed much more than the cost of the car.
‘I also found out that the previous car had never even been for it’s MOT, but had been traded in for the new car.’
The mum felt the worst thing was that her husband had had the car almost a whole week and had been in contact with her countless times without even mentioning it.
She added: ‘The biggest shocker to me was that the new car had arrived on the Saturday (a day after I’d left on the work trip). He’d not mentioned any of this at the time despite speaking to me on the phone every day.
‘When I asked him about this, he said he didn’t have to tell me how much he’d borrowed, and continued lying about the cost of the car.
‘Then he said that I didn’t trust him, didn’t communicate, and proceeded to be horribly angry at me for another week.
‘Aibu (am I being unreasonable) to expect that spouses should share this kind of information? Or am I not?’
To make matters worse the mum shared her husband borrowed the money from an elderly lady they know.
‘He does her gardens for them, currently about four to six hours a week. Apparently he will be working the loan off, and I wouldn’t have thought she’d charge him interest.’
The mum also revealed her husband has done this before but with less expensive items and that despite the car being second-hand it was still way out of their price range.
One commenter asked the mum if she knows the reason why he behaves this way.
She replied: ‘Yes. He wants to be able to drive around in a plush car, wearing suits and generally behaving like we aren’t pretty much on the breadline.
‘He’s been ‘self employed’ for 3 years now, and we’re being clobbered by the MIF [minimum income floor] on UC [universal credit].’
What is the Minimum Income Floor (MIF):
If you are gainfully self-employed whilst claiming universal credit, you aren’t expected to look for other work, but it will be assumed you are earning at least the national minimum wage of someone your age for the number of hours you’re expected to work.
This is the Minimum Income Floor. If you earn less than the MIF, Universal Credit will not make up the difference and you will need to look for additional work to supplement your income.
Source: https://www.understandinguniversalcredit.gov.uk/
‘I am fed up of him telling me I’m overreacting for being upset over stuff like this.
‘And I’m thinking I must’ve married the village idiot if he thinks he can lie to my face and in the same breath berate me for not trusting him!’
The post has received nearly 100 replies and it’s safe to say everyone is outraged on the mum’s behalf.
Some fellow mums were in awe of how she had made it this far in her marriage, with one commenting: ‘Your marriage is doomed. How you’ve made it this far is beyond me.’
Another wrote: ‘It’s all a bit unsavoury isn’t it? Lying to you, being abusive, borrowing money when there’s no need, borrowing from an old lady. I don’t know, it all just seems shady.’
One user pointed out she felt the behaviour was divorce-worthy, writing: ‘Leaving aside the lying to you, the anger, the manipulation and the inability to communicate like an adult, which is bad enough and something I’d ponder divorce over.
‘Do you realise how dodgy this sounds – if I was a relative of that lady I’d be pretty concerned he’s pressured/conned her into loaning it.
‘Who the hell lends the guy who does their garden enough money to buy a nice car, interest free, and expects him to work it off – what kind of ridiculous hourly rate is he on?!!’
Some commenters were understandably concerned for the elderly lady who lent the money, with one writing: ‘What!?! He borrowed thousands of pounds from an elderly lady that he does a few hours gardening for.
‘I bet she felt like she couldn’t say no. Poor lady – this is unacceptable.’
The mum clearly took all the feedback and outrage on board, commenting: ‘I think even the first few replies to my post have concreted my resolve to head for the exit ASAP.’
How to have healthy money conversations with your partner:
With over half of Brits believing their relationships are on the rocks because of money troubles, relationship counsellor Anshu Rastogi and personal finance expert at Virgin Money, Alina Jaffer, share their tips on how to avoid conflict when talking about money.
Take time to evaluate your spending together
‘Having an upfront conversation about how you share any joint outgoings should help avoid conflict later on in the relationship,’ Alina explains. ‘You might discuss splitting bills proportionally based on income, or even opening a joint current account.
‘If you have doubts, it could be best to keep your finances separate.’
Make each other feel safe
‘Making each other feel comfortable enough to have honest conversations about your own and joint financial situation is so important,’ Alina says.
‘Even so, not all issues can be solved between partners, so it’s important that if you feel like you need additional support you consult an expert.’
Get your facts right
‘Before you jump to any conclusions, you need to check that you have got your figures right and that your doubts are justified. Try to do some research like confirming the amount spent if you have a joint bank statement before you ask your partner directly about your concerns,’ says Anshu.
You have different spending habits
‘When two people in a relationship are opposites in their approach to money, finding a compromise in the way you spend or save is essential, otherwise it can lead to conflict,’ Anshu explains.
‘The frivolous partner needs to feel a sense of freedom with their money and the frugal partner requires some boundaries when it comes to spending.’
You have different emotional relationships with money
‘Some people might have an emotional connection with money, associating the way finances are approached directly with the level of respect, love and trust their partner has for them,’ Anshu explains.
‘This can cause conflict if their partner understands money in a more practical way and wants to logically dissect it, so it becomes formulaic.’
So try to be understanding.
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