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That’s Lieutenant Colonel to You, Mister
On Tuesday, Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman testified as part of President Trump’s impeachment hearings, where Republicans attempted to discredit the colonel, the top Ukraine expert on the National Security Council. During his testimony, Representative Devin Nunes of California referred to the colonel as “Mr. Vindman.” The officer then corrected the congressman, citing his full military title. (“Or Ms. Jackson, if you’re nasty,” joked Stephen Colbert.)
“Vindman came to the United States as a child when his father fled the Soviet Union, and went on to enlist in the Army, where he received a Purple Heart for his service in Iraq. Given his history, the only way Vindman could be more all-American is if he appeared in a Ken Burns documentary about the Statue of Liberty — which he did as a child.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“The way they treated this Lieutenant Colonel Vindman was embarrassing even for them. They tried to smear the recipient of a Purple Heart to protect a president who doesn’t even have a red one. Jim Jordan of Ohio — this guy — he implied that Vindman was a leaker with questionable judgment. You know, questionable judgment, like, say, if you were a wrestling coach and the team doctor was abusing your wrestlers and you knew about it but you didn’t say anything. That’s questionable judgment, right, Jim Jordan?” — JIMMY KIMMEL
“I mean, we need an Army medic because Nunes got severely burned.” — JAMES CORDEN
“Then Adam Schiff was like ‘Let the record show we just had a mic drop, y’all.’” — JIMMY FALLON
“You think he’s trying to sabotage Trump? The only person who’s trying to sabotage Donald Trump is Donald Trump. I mean, the guy commits crimes then goes on TV and confesses to them. Honestly, there’s a chance he’s trying to get impeached so he can collect unemployment.” — SETH MEYERS
“Not only doesn’t Donald Trump care about corruption in Ukraine, he wanted it. He tried to buy it. Honestly, at this point, the only defense that might work for them is ‘Donald Trump is too stupid to know he committed a crime. He’s just dumb.’” — SETH MEYERS
The Punchiest Punchlines (Denied It vs. Supplied It Edition)
As Representative Eric Swalwell appeared on Monday night’s episode of MSNBC’s “Hardball,” viewers heard a noise that sounded a lot like someone passing gas. Loudly. Swalwell later tweeted he had “total exoneration.”
“That thing was so loud, I bet someone made a noise complaint.” — TREVOR NOAH
“Now, I don’t know exactly what happened there, but if it’s what you think it is, it came through loud and clear.” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“Oh, that’s hilarious, ‘total exoneration.’ It’s a good joke by Swalwell, but it’s actually not fair to bring Trump into this because he’s the one person who wouldn’t try and hide it. He would try and own a giant fart. He would be, like, ‘That’s right, I farted and it was the biggest, most beloved fart of all time. You know Obama could never fart like this. He tried but he couldn’t get it done, folks, couldn’t do it!” — TREVOR NOAH
“Now, cards on the table, I didn’t want to talk about this. I saw the clip on Twitter before I went to bed last night. I didn’t click on it because I thought, ‘Surely this will pass.’ But it didn’t. This one lingered. Because — this is true — when I woke up this morning, #fartgate was still trending. Not only that, a reporter from BuzzFeed actually texted Representative Swalwell and said, ‘I’m really sorry about this, but I have to ask if this was you or someone in the studio,’ to which Swalwell replied, ‘It was not me! Ha. I didn’t hear it when I was speaking.’ ‘You look like you heard it, and are stifling a laugh.’ ‘I def did not hear it.’ Congressman, you claim you didn’t even hear it? Now we know it was you. That was established as admissible evidence in the landmark decision of ‘denied it v. supplied it.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
“But MSNBC had Swalwell’s back, because late last night ‘Hardball’ actually tweeted, ‘Sorry to disappoint the conspiracy theorists — it was the ‘Hardball’ mug scraping across the desk. Get yours today!’ Not a great sales pitch: ‘Our mug will make millions of people think you just ripped one. Great stocking stuffer!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT
The Bits Worth Watching
“Jimmy Kimmel Live” asked a few fans of the president for their thoughts about Trump’s fictional involvement in Watergate.
What We’re Excited About on Wednesday Night
Dolly Parton will pop by “The Tonight Show” on Wednesday to talk about her new Netflix series, “Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings.”
Also, Check This Out
Playing the Purple Lady in “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide/When the Rainbow Is Enuf” is a dream come true for Alexandria Wailes, a dancer who is both mixed race and deaf.
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