Late Night Responds to Biden’s Decision to Send Tanks to Ukraine

Stephen Colbert said that for Volodymyr Zelensky’s birthday on Wednesday, “Joe Biden got him exactly what he asked for.”

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By Trish Bendix

Welcome to Best of Late Night, a rundown of the previous night’s highlights that lets you sleep — and lets us get paid to watch comedy. Here are the 50 best movies on Netflix right now.

Giving Tanks

The Biden administration announced plans to send M1 Abrams tanks to Ukraine, after weeks of negotiations to persuade Germany to offer its own advanced battle tanks in the war against Russia.

Stephen Colbert celebrated the birthday of Volodymyr Zelensky, the Ukrainian president, on Wednesday, saying, “Joe Biden got him exactly what he asked for.”

“This wasn’t exactly a huge surprise — Zelensky kind of figured it out while it was still wrapped.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“The Abrams is a game changer for this war in Ukraine. It’s a state-of-the-art battle tank that weighs 70 tons. It is capable of speeds up to 42 miles an hour. Plus, it comes with a free month of Sirius XM, so while you’re breaching enemy lines, you can listen to Stern.” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Pentagon officials have been reluctant to send the Abrams, but then they changed their minds, after Germany agreed to send its Leopard battle tanks to Ukraine, making this the first time anyone in Europe has said, ‘Good news — the German tanks are rolling in!’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

“Because, you know, it’s not a great look just when it’s German tanks rolling across Europe. Kind of makes people nervous.” — WANDA SYKES

“I think it should have been Sweden. Yeah. And they send tanks to Ukraine and Russia. OK, hear me out, hear me out: And then Sweden, do that thing you do where you send the tanks in parts with a diagram for assembling them. Yeah. See? See, that would bring the countries together because no one could assemble that [expletive] on their own.” — WANDA SYKES

The Punchiest Punchlines (Certifiable Edition)

“Former Vice President Mike Pence’s lawyer reportedly found close to a dozen classified documents last week at Pence’s Indiana home. And when Pence heard that, he stayed white as a ghost.” — SETH MEYERS

“Man, this is starting to feel like the beginning of the pandemic. You hear about one case, then another and before you know it, we’re all going to be locked in our apartments wiping down our mail, terrified that some classified documents are going to get in.” — SETH MEYERS

“The Justice Department has now launched an investigation into the dozen classified documents found at former Vice President Mike Pence’s Indiana home, and, more specifically, why was Joe Biden keeping them there?” — SETH MEYERS

“While a lot of Republicans are mad at Pence, the former V.P. got a boost from the former pres, who truthed: ‘Mike Pence is an innocent man. He never did anything knowingly dishonest in his life.’ Adding, ‘which is why I tried to have him killed.’” — STEPHEN COLBERT

The Bits Worth Watching

The actress Nia Long sat down with Wanda Sykes on Wednesday’s “Daily Show” to talk about her two new projects, the Netflix comedy “You People” and the techno-thriller “Missing.”

What We’re Excited About on Thursday Night

Jimmy Kimmel will celebrate the 20th anniversary of his show in prime time on Thursday, with guests from his first episode: George Clooney, Snoop Dogg and a musical performance by Coldplay.

Also, Check This Out

Natasha Lyonne turns into a working-class sleuth in Peacock’s new detective show, “Poker Face.”

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