JULIE Cook, 42, a journalist from Hampshire, shares a home, a mortgage and two kids with her other half.
But money? Never! Here, the writer reveals why she doesn't follow the age-old tradition.
MOUTHS hanging open in disbelief, my friends gawped as I explained that despite being married for 10 years, my husband and I don’t share money. They grilled me about who pays the mortgage or for the kids’ school uniform, and I flushed with embarrassment.
Did wanting financial independence make us a bad couple? To me, a joint account seems out-dated – and I’m not alone. Recent statistics show 31% of women in the UK have decided against sharing financial assets with their partner. Meanwhile, more than one in three women admit they regret not maintaining financial independence during a relationship.*
Psychologist Kim Stephenson says women are now entering relationships with greater personal wealth than ever before. She says: There has been a huge generational change. Sixty years ago, men were usually the breadwinner and women tended the house and children.
"Today women are more successful, more independent and more equal in society. They no longer need to depend on their partner, so a joint account isn’t always necessary. Some don’t want to relinquish control of their cash and are turning away from age-old traditions,” he says.
In my 20s, after taking out a mortgage with my first husband we opened a joint account, mainly as it was still the done thing back then. But if I wanted to splurge on pricey make-up or a night out I felt guilty because it wasn’t “my” money anymore – it was “ours”.
He never put pressure on me, but I felt the financial transparency between us meant I had to justify every purchase. Even though we earned similar salaries he felt the same way, too, with each of us detailing what we had spent money on and why. I longed for privacy and I wanted to keep my finances to myself.
The two-year marriage ended in 2005, not because of money but because we were too young. Then in the spring of 2006 I met Cornel, 39. We moved into a flat together in January 2007 and agreed to share the rent and bills equally, but never opened a joint bank account.
There was no conversation about keeping our finances separate, but a system emerged that worked for us – we added up how much each of us had personally spent each month on “essential boring things” – such as items for the flat or food shopping – added it to the rent and bills then divided it and transferred money where it was owed.
As the direct debits for the flat came out of my account, it was usually Cornel handing over money to me. We earned similar salaries so there was no resentment. When we had our first child in 2008 and married the following year, we stuck with the same system.
As parents it became more complicated as we had to buy nappies, a cot and a pram, but we made sure we were splitting the costs fairly. Even when we got a mortgage in 2012 and had our second child in 2014, we stuck to our own bank accounts.
Friends often ask if I feel like an accountant, adding up our expenses every month and billing Cornel, but the benefits of financial independence are too good to give up.
There’s no arguing, and most importantly I never have to justify anything I spend on myself, such as my gym membership or a new haircut. I also don’t hide my spending from Cornel.
We do have boundaries – we’d never spend hundreds on something without discussing it – but we trust each other to be sensible.
Plus, Cornel is not materialistic and rarely buys anything for himself, but he doesn’t bat an eyelid when I drop £100 on a new dress.
We’re mature enough to keep enough money aside for the kids, bills and holidays. We share our lives together, but that doesn’t mean we have to share our bank balances, too.
- Source: *Netwealth Kim Stephenson advises on cash issues at Taming the pound
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