Have you ever had a fight with your partner that you just couldn’t let go of? Maybe it kept coming up time and time again or perhaps you buried it deep down and secretly kept returning to because you just couldn’t get over your grudge? If that sounds familiar, Dr. Gary Brown, a prominent couples therapist in Los Angeles, tells Elite Daily that you may be doing serious damage to your relationship. Dr. Brown says there are various ways how holding grudges can impact your relationship and none of them of them are for the better. "It becomes even worse if there are a growing number of grudges and resentments," he warns.
This is true whether your grudge holding is out in the open or something you play close to the vest because, as Dr. Brown says, it’s unresolved hurt and anger that needs to be addressed. "Holding grudges means that there is unfinished business in your relationship. Unfinished business is analogous to rust, it slowly eats away at the core of your love," he explains. That is why his advice is to try and truly forgive your partner whenever possible. "Sometimes it is relatively easy to do, and sometimes it is difficult," he admits. Brown adds that it’s important to actually forgive your partner, not just go through the motions. "What you don’t want to do is say ‘I forgive you,’ when you really don’t mean it. This is what I sometimes refer to as ‘false forgiveness.’ Typically this means that one of the partners is secretly holding a grudge," he explains.
The key reason it’s important not to hold onto a grudge, says Brown, is that they lead to resentment, which is a true relationship killer. "When we hold onto a grudge, and depending upon what happened that resulted in you feeling a grudge, is that we tend to feel resentment over time," he shares. One of the more negative results of holding onto a grudge is that resentment can turn into something even more toxic that can undermine a relationship — bitterness. Once you’ve reached the point of bitterness, it is extremely difficult to come back unless you and your partner find a way to work it out."
Grudges also impact the relationship by eroding the trust between partners, Dr. Brown warns, regardless of who is holding onto resentment. "There may not only be resentment by the partner who is holding a grudge, but your partner may also begin to feel a grudge that you aren’t letting go. It can lead to an impasse that prevents your relationship from growing into something more fulfilling for both of you," he explains.
If this is resonating in your relationship, Dr. Brown says the first step in addressing the issue is to do some self reflection. "One of the first things you need to do is to examine just why you are continuing to hold a grudge. If you felt wronged in some way by something your partner said or did that left you feeling hurt, then it is important that you communicate this to your partner," he advises. That second part may be especially difficult when it’s something you’ve been holding onto for a long time, but Dr. Brown says to truly move forward you have to open up. "Secretly holding onto a grudge can seriously hamper your ability to move on. It can leave you feeling stuck," he notes. "Talk to your partner. You need to let them know, even if it was over something relatively small. Otherwise, you could get into the bad habit of holding onto grudges in general."
Holding grudges can, over time, become an unhealthy pattern that extends beyond your relationship. If you sense that it’s becoming one in your life, Dr. Brown suggests getting some help to forge new ways of dealing with resentment or disappointment. You don’t have to go it alone. The truth is that you deserve to be happy and in a healthy relationship, so if you feel you’re holding grudges, then that is the first step toward letting go and healing. It’s never easy to make big changes, but you’re stronger than you think. You got this.
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