DEAR DEIDRE: I COULDN’T believe my eyes when I saw footage on one of our surveillance cameras of my wife having sex with another guy in our bed.
I am 31 and she is 29. We have been together for six years and have a two-year-old daughter.
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I rigged up the cameras after several burglaries in our area. I didn’t tell my wife because I thought it might freak her out.
I just said I had installed motion sensors connected to our house alarm which would only be on after we had gone to bed.
There was nothing to see the first few days but on the fourth day, when our daughter was at my mother-in-law’s, this guy around my age shows up on the doorstep.
My wife lets him in and they have a passionate kiss.
They are clearly very familiar with one another. They have a chat in the kitchen then the camera on the landing picks them up as they go upstairs.
There is not a camera in the bedroom but the landing one picks up a reflection from the mirror in our bedroom and you see them writhing in our bed.
It turns my stomach. I would not have suspected a thing had I not seen the footage. Our relationship seemed good.
Sex had been less frequent lately but hadn’t stopped entirely.
I’d just assumed it was the pressure of work and looking after a young child that had made my wife less keen on sex.
To make matters worse, she has told me she is pregnant — and now I’m worried whether it is mine, or not.
I have been trying to hide my discovery from her, as I don’t have the heart, or a plan, to confront her.
Since I learned of her cheating I haven’t had sex with her.
She senses something is different and has asked me what’s wrong.
I said I need time to process my feelings. I just have no idea how to handle this.
I don’t want to break up our family but how can I live with this?
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DEIDRE SAYS: There’s no way to make this OK without confronting your wife.
I do wonder if deep down you had an inkling and that played a part in you installing the cameras.
Anyway, now you know, so tell her you two need a serious talk when your little girl is safely out of the way.
Stay calm and say what you saw. It will throw up so many questions. Is her affair serious or just a fling?
If she wants to stay with you, can she reassure you it’s your baby on the way? If not, could you cope with possibly raising another man’s child?
There is no excuse for your wife cheating but it would help you mend your marriage, if that’s what you want, to take some responsibility for the state of your relationship.
My e-leaflet Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help.
If this turns out to end your marriage, try to put your daughter’s need for two loving parents at the centre of your arrangements.
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